Oh Poop!

My autistic daughter who is almost 6 and not fully potty trained will at times play with, paint with, and/or eat her own feces.

There. I said it.

Is it embarrassing? Sure.

Is it sad? Extremely.

Why bring it up then? So that I can let it go.

Talking about autism openly and honestly was a vow that I made to myself, yet this one quirk has been the thing that I rarely, if ever talk about. It is too hard. Too painful. When I do talk about it, I find myself speaking in a hushed tone, and refusing to make eye contact. Quite honestly it is the only thing that Bianca does that will drop me. The tears will flow, the guilt sets in, and the rage re-enters my psyche. Not rage at Bianca, but rage at the situation and at the hand that I have been dealt. It makes me feel like I have failed my daughter. Nevermind that we have taken a million precautions to keep her safe, if it happens I take it as a personal failure.

It rarely happens anymore. We have figured out her “tells”, so we know what to look for. We have developed routines so that although Bianca can’t tell us that she has to go potty, her body is conditioned to go at certain times. We put her on the toilet at around 11:00 AM and 5:00 PM and that is when she usually goes poop. She appears to only want to go at home, so if we are out for a long period of time, we put her on the potty when she gets home and she usually goes. For the times that she does not go, we have developed a routine of putting Bianca in footy pajamas with the feet cut out, with the zipper in the back so she can’t undo the zipper. This will buy us time if she soils her diaper, but she will still on occasion try to reach through the pant leg and try to get into her diaper. 

The internal drive in her to play with her poop also seems to have lessened. Maybe that is from repeated scolding and explaining that it is not good or healthy. Maybe it is because she enjoys flushing the toilet a million times, more than she likes playing with her poop? Even though Bianca can’t converse, I believe she knows she shouldn’t do it, but I think the curiosity gets the best of her.

It isn’t like Bianca is running amok without supervision. We have 3 kids: a 5 year old, a 4 year old, and a 15 month old, so our attention gets diverted. We have our living room baby gated so the kids are pretty confined. The kitchen is right off of the living room, so when we make snacks we are right there. My wife and I usually work opposite schedules to cut down on babysitting costs, so for the better part of the day, the kids are with just one parent. The other thing is… Bianca is fast. She is like a bolt of lightning. She is also sneaky. So if we miss a “tell” that she has to go potty, she will go into a corner or behind furniture and do whatever she needs to do. Sometimes she will do it right in the open while sitting playing with toys or looking at books. She just reaches in and there you go. It happens quickly.

Luckily for us, Bianca’s sister who is only one year her junior is a huge help. She lets us know if Bianca is doing something she shouldn’t be. This too leads to guilt. Should a younger sister have to help protect her older sister from herself? There is no doubt that Sofie LOVES her big sister. When she goes with me to Bianca’s school or walks to the bus stop with me to greet Bianca when she comes home, Bianca is usually met with a shower of kisses and a chorus of “BIANCA!! BIANCA!! YOU’RE HOME! I MISSED YOU SOOOOOO MUCH! I LOVE YOU!” I just hope that she never loses that love and exuberance for her big sister. One of the biggest fears for anybody that has multiple children is that one sibling will resent the other. That fear is magnified 100 times when one of the kids has special needs.

The time has come for me to take the power away from this particular quirk. I don't want this to have control over me. I am over it. 

It isn’t like I love Bianca any less because she will play with her poop. I can honestly say that I don’t care what other people think about it… let me re-phrase that. I don’t care if people react NEGATIVELY to it. If my sharing this little slice of life in the land of Autism helps even one parent know that they are not alone, then I care a great deal.

Like anything in life there is good and bad in having a family affected by autism. I see too many people out there that try to paint it as all good or all bad. It is both. The trick is to not let the bad stuff break you. You have to be vigilant about putting the negative in its place.

The fulfilling thing that I have found is that the bad stuff makes the good stuff seem all that much better. So every time Bianca goes on the potty, it is cause for celebration. There have even been a few times in which Bianca has come to me, grabbed my arm, and dragged me to the bathroom. Those are moments that I cherish and consider HUGE victories.

Nowadays, I have way more moments to celebrate than I have to be upset about. For that I am extremely thankful. I am thankful for my family and the support they have shown us and the unconditional love that they show ALL of my kids. I am thankful to still have my marriage intact. I am thankful for whatever it was that triggered me to go from a guy who was perfectly content to wallow in his sorrow and despair, to a guy that will not rest until things are set right. I am thankful for the thousands of email, comments, tweets, and calls that I have received from people supporting me and my message.

However, at this moment, I am most thankful for finally being able to let this go.

If you have not already, please take time to watch my videos, "Fixing" Autism and Autism Awareness with Nichole337 and share them with your friends.

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